Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? Have you looked through the window at a life and wondered why it wasn't yours? That's how I feel. Like I'm waiting, waiting on my life to start. I'm 36 and have been married for 14 years, but I'm waiting. Waiting on what? Waiting on my family, my wonderful, cute, happy family,my children to love and make memories with. I've wanted a family of my own for so many years, and never did I dream I would be walking through life in slow motion this many years down the road. I have no children, infertility caused from years of PCOS and now my husband's disability has created a huge hurdle for us. I just don't fit. In a world filled with circles of families, I am a square peg, a childless, mourning, square peg. When I go back to my home church, the church where I grew up, where I know everyone, where everyone knows me, I feel as if I am an outsider. Old flames, old friends, acquaintances, everyone has a family. I want that. My heart aches for that. I don't know where my place is. Everywhere I go I hear "You don't have children?", "You just don't understand because you don't have kids.", "When are you going to have a baby?" and on and on and on it goes. It's always the same, I grin and shrug and life goes on...for them. For me, I start spinning, spinning in circles trying to figure out why, why it had to be me. I love my husband and want a family. I don't want to be old and childless. I want my family that I've always dreamed of. I have to think that some how, some way, God will fulfill my dreams and that one day I will be on the inside of this beautiful child-filled world. I know that God will bless us with the little one we are meant to share our lives with no matter if it is a child of our own or through the wonderful miracle of adoption. We are ready. We are waiting.