As I Sit Here Tonight

As I sit here tonight, I wonder if you will be a part of our lives by this time next year. Will you have a head full of hair? What color will your eyes be? Will you have long fingers and toes? Will you be a precious little baby girl with ribbons and bows or will you be a handsome little boy in baseball caps, jerseys and hightops like Daddy? I think about that. I think about who you will be, where you will come from. We do already love you even though we don't know where you are or who you will be. We know that one day our lives will change and we will have a home filled with cries, giggles, squeals and many happy memories for years to come.

As I sit here tonight, I can smell that sweet baby smell, feel that little velvet soft head and can hear that sweet little baby softly sleeping. We are looking for you little one and we are longing to hold you. We are here for you and we will find our way to you one day soon.

Adoption Support

I had a great conversation with a very dear friend of mine today - I always leave her with a giggle and a lighter outlook on life. Today, she was there for me when I didn't even realize how much I needed it. You know who you are and I thank you so much for your encouragement, support, concern and friendship. Those friends are few and far between.

Adoption is a gift, but it is one you work for, you shed many tears for while you wait, your heart longs and yerns for a baby, and you wait some more. If only it were as easy as getting in line, placing your order and walking away with a wonderful little miracle. There are encouraging days, days of tears, days of anger, days full of hopelessness, days filled with numbness and days when you just can't imagine getting out of bed and starting all over again not knowing. I encourage each of you to be an encouragement to your friends and loved ones going through an adoption. We all need a smiling warm face to help us make it through. If you see a tear in our eye, don't avoid us, give us a hug. If we sound a little down when you talk to us, make us get out of the house or away from the job and enjoy a girl's day out. Some days we want or need to wallow and want to be left alone, but some days we want to know that someone out there cares about us and what we are going through. We are hopeful and are excited about the experience of adoption, but it is a trying time and it takes lots of love and support to make it through until we get that sweet baby in our arms.

I found this poem today from someone going through an adoption in Vietnam and I thought it very well said.

Even though I was afraid you laid a hand on mine

and said "it's ok, don't cry Myla, ...

your baby is out there and she's waiting patiently for you."

Even though I didn't believe some days, you believed for me,

when I couldn't muster it,

you called, you wrote, you came around anyway.

When I couldn't stand anymore questions or talk

you said you were thinking of me and

that meant so much even if I couldn't express it

I was angry and hurting, so much grief, pain, and loss,

when I could not see beyond it you said "love, Myla"

When I was too close to the situation and my vision clouded,

bogged down in logistics, you reminded me of the reason, l

ove of the direction, faith of the necessity,

trust of the power inherent in us all to rise above.

My tears are grateful ones now, friend,

believe it. I take you with me when I go.

Copyright Myla Stauber 2000

Never In A Million Years...

Never in a million years would you think as a young girl growing up that there is even the slightest possiblity that you will not be able to have a child of your own one day. In my daydreams as a child and teen I saw the house, the husband, the dogs and children, children playing on swings, swimming with friends, playing ball, learning to cook from their mama, playing with Namaw. Never in a million years would I have imagined that one day I would be sitting here trying to evaluate the options available to my husband and I to have a family, watching time slip by. Never in a million years would I have dreamed we would have to wait for a birthmother to have a soft spot in her heart for us and choose to give us her child to love and to raise. Never in a million years could I have imagined the pain and hurt in my heart when a door closes and you have to wait for another one to open. Never in a million years would I have dreamed I would be forced to seek out financing options to make this dream come true. We have chosen to seek an independent adoption to cut down on the expense of adoption, but we would also like to list with an agency in the near future. The costs for adoption can be very high, as some of you reading this may already know, and that is why we have developed a way for anyone who wishes to donate to the adoption of Baby Murphree. Just click on the "Donate" button and use the options availble through Paypal or contact us directly. Any donation is always accepted and appreciated and will go towards the placement costs of the adoption, whether independently or through an agency. If you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail Deborah at cowcrazytxgal1@aol.com or Blake at mrbigzeke@aol.com. We love y'all and look forward to sharing our sweet little baby with you one day. Please keep us in your prayers during our journey.

Waiting.

Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? Have you looked through the window at a life and wondered why it wasn't yours? That's how I feel. Like I'm waiting, waiting on my life to start. I'm 36 and have been married for 14 years, but I'm waiting. Waiting on what? Waiting on my family, my wonderful, cute, happy family,my children to love and make memories with. I've wanted a family of my own for so many years, and never did I dream I would be walking through life in slow motion this many years down the road. I have no children, infertility caused from years of PCOS and now my husband's disability has created a huge hurdle for us. I just don't fit. In a world filled with circles of families, I am a square peg, a childless, mourning, square peg. When I go back to my home church, the church where I grew up, where I know everyone, where everyone knows me, I feel as if I am an outsider. Old flames, old friends, acquaintances, everyone has a family. I want that. My heart aches for that. I don't know where my place is. Everywhere I go I hear "You don't have children?", "You just don't understand because you don't have kids.", "When are you going to have a baby?" and on and on and on it goes. It's always the same, I grin and shrug and life goes on...for them. For me, I start spinning, spinning in circles trying to figure out why, why it had to be me. I love my husband and want a family. I don't want to be old and childless. I want my family that I've always dreamed of. I have to think that some how, some way, God will fulfill my dreams and that one day I will be on the inside of this beautiful child-filled world. I know that God will bless us with the little one we are meant to share our lives with no matter if it is a child of our own or through the wonderful miracle of adoption. We are ready. We are waiting.

Oh little one, wherever you are,

Near to our hearts yet distant so far.

Have you already a birthday? I wonder each night,

Or have you yet to experience that journey of might.

We’ve waited so long to share our blessings with you,

Our hearts ache with joy of the thought coming true.

I want you to know how excited we are,

To meet you and love you; our precious little star.